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withimpunityYou know what the worst part about being crazy is? Knowing that you're crazy. And knowing that your life really isn't the worst, that its really NOT the end of the fucking world, but still feeling slightly suicidal, like your whole life is kind of fucking pointless? That you haven't accomplished and probably will never accomplish anything so like, why the fuck even bother? And then thinking about what you just thought and feeling guilty for thinking that way because jesus fucking christ, you privileged little white bitch, be more of a cunt why don't you. There are so many people worse off than you. And then just wanting to dig a hole and bury yourself alive because even YOU can't stand yourself anymore.
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Date: 2010-09-28 07:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-28 08:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-28 09:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-28 08:02 pm (UTC)Actually, fuck that: this month is. Maybe even this year but I don't want to think on that scale because it becomes hard to pinpoint when exactly everything started being shit.
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Date: 2010-09-28 08:21 pm (UTC)That. And I feel like I've been saying that for the last ten years. So its more like, my life is fired. But that line of thinking sends me down the path of the blah blah blah above, so I try not to think that far. BASICALLY I'm trying to figure out how to stop thinking. That would be ace.
er, warning for possibly offensive non-con metaphor?
Date: 2010-09-28 09:24 pm (UTC)And you are not crazy! (well, as far as I can internet-tell, anyway). You are just dealing with being depression-roofied which totally sucks, and can easily lead to the insidious self-talk that keeps you re-roofieing yourself with self-hate. Which totally happens. And doesn't make you a crazy. Just remember that most of that is bullshit. Sure, some of your self crit is bound to be true and useful, but while you're in pit of despair mode, it's pretty much impossible to determine which is which - because you're prone to believe any criticism it can come up with. So don't even bother.
I know it's convincing, but almost all of it is white noise or half-truths, the bullshit of a creepy frat boy trying to get your panties off. Depression wants to use you and leave you feeling worthless so you're even easier to use next time. It's lying to you, and confusing you so you don't trust yourself, because it wants to watch you burn.
Promise yourself you'll do some honest self-examination the next time you're feeling more even keeled and less like a pile of useless shit. You will still be able to name all your fuck ups, I promise, but you'll also be in a better position to address them. For now, you should focus on calling 'bullshit' on all the critical stuff your roofied brain keeps feeding you, even if you don't think it's bullshit.
Because right now, it's just white noise from depression, trying to bully you into shutting up and lying back and taking it. Sometimes depression is just bigger than you, and it wins for a while, and that's not your fault. It doesn't make you bad or stupid or crazy. You will get through this, and it will end eventually. Just remember that it's a dirty liar and you're stronger and more awesome than it wants you to think you are.
You might not be able to shut it up at the moment, but you can call it on its bullshit, and distract yourself with getting up and accomplishing some shit. Doesn't have to be important shit, the smaller the better, really. The key, I've found, is tasks you can decisively finish. Something so small, there's no question you can finish it in like, two minutes or less if you put your mind to it.
Not 'I will do some laundry', but 'I will fold those five shirts.' With the first, you could do 'some', but then your brain is like, 'oh god, but did I do enough, I never do enough, I'm such a crappy bla bla.' With the latter, you can't argue with the fact that you *have folded those five shirts just like you set out to do*. Which, whatever, who gives a shit about your shirts. What's important is that you just made a tiny, irrefutable deposit in your bank of 'I am capable of accomplishing my goals.' You have visible, tangible proof that you are the kind of girl who can do that.
Pick another easy, decisive task to accomplish. Shave your legs. Empty the dishwasher. Walk around the block. Pick something that's the *very* least you can do (but that will be *done* without question when you finish), and prove to yourself you can do it. Once you rack up two or three of these bad boys (whoooo, emptying the trash FTW), you have totally earned a break. And no matter what your depression tells you, it can't take away those things you just did. Before, it was probably telling you, 'You're such a useless, lazy cunt, I bet you can't even empty a dishwasher. WTF is wrong with you. You will die in a house straight out of Hoarders, u hor.'
But see, it was wrong. You have proof. It will tell you emptying the dishwasher doesn't matter, but that's a lie designed to halt your forward momentum. Fuck that noise. Identify another two minute finishable task. This can be paralyzing because sometimes you're like, 'BUT I HAVE TEN MILLION THINGS TO DO I WILL NEVER FINISH THEM'. Ignore that, it's more noise. Your *only* job is to find another two minute task and then complete it. Repeat a few times.
Will emptying the dishwasher and sorting your sock drawer fix the big problems in your life? Of course not. It's just innoculation against the 'U ARE A USELESS HOR WHO CAN'T DO ANYTHING AT ALL SO GIVE UP AND DIE' lies that your depression is feeding you. It can take a while to build up strength, but if you do enough little shit, you can't help but make a dent in things. And maybe you will still be depressed, but at least you'll be depressed in a clean house (insert your own 'shit i let slide when I'm depressed' here).
And eventually, this funk you're in will ebb (or something unexpected will snap you out of it), and you'll be like, 'Hey, maybe I'm not completely useless, I can make my life better.' And you will be in a better place to figure out what to do about that. Right now, inertia is winning.
But you do have the power to start moving again.
Just remember, right now you are being drugged and lied to by part of your brain. It is understandable that you got tricked, it happens to the best of us, but keep telling yourself that it will pass, you will evaluate the truthfulness of its statements at a later date, and you *will* relocate your awesomeness. It has not actually gone anywhere, it's just taking a nap at the moment. And you totally have what it takes to wake it back up, regardless of what your lying brain is telling you.
YMMV, and obviously, you can't always get out of your funk w/ out professional help, but in the meantime, *HUGSSSSSS*. Try to be patient with yourself as you would with a good friend going through the same thing. And don't be afraid to break those tasks down into ridiculously small steps. 'I will put away one dish from the dishwasher' is acceptable, as long as you turn it into 'I have put away one dish from the dishwasher.'
Re: er, warning for possibly offensive non-con metaphor?
Date: 2010-09-28 11:22 pm (UTC)tldr; THANK YOU. <3333333
Re: er, warning for possibly offensive non-con metaphor?
Date: 2010-09-28 11:24 pm (UTC)Re: er, warning for possibly offensive non-con metaphor?
Date: 2010-09-29 12:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-29 12:32 am (UTC)