(no subject)

[withimpunity]

Situation:

My mom and dad live with my elderly, senile grandmother. My brother has been spending his time at my house when not as school or work or his girlfriend's, pretty much. He stayed here the entire summer. Now that school started back, he sleeps at his house during the week, but its a given that he'll be here Friday night and Saturday night. My mom just assumes that he's here because that's what she does.

The thing is he's seventeen and thinks he's not accountable to anyone, why does anyone care where he is or what he does or when he comes home. That said, he's never got to my house later than ten o'clock. His girlfriend is younger than him and has a pretty strict curfew and well, there's just not much to do in this town lol.

Anyway, we had an incident a few months ago where he didn't show up one Saturday night. I called, I texted, nothing. I wasn't freaking out or anything, but I did feel like if something happened to him (an accident, etc) then I would feel bad for not knowing where he was, since I'm apparently the only one who CARES. Anyway, I talked about it to him calmy and just said, "Hey, if you're not gonna stay here just text me. If you're not gonna be here till 1 am? I don't care, just let me know." He acted like a teenage boy, eye rolling and I don't see what the big deal is, but he was fine with it and a couple of times since then he has done that, texted me to let me know he's going to be late or stay at his house, what have you.

Well, last night it was getting pretty late. I figured he was just staying at his house or at my sisters house since they moved closer to him, I wasn't even going to fret. BUT he specifically sent me a text saying "I'm coming there tonight." So I was like, okay. Told my husband to leave the door unlocked for him, that he'd probably be around soon. I woke up around 1 am and he wasn't there. I checked my phone, no messages. I called him, left 3 texts. Nothing, of course. He was probably asleep.

So I called my mom this morning and apparently he slept there and she's clueless as per usual. I tried to get up with my sister to whine/complain at her and get my brother in law instead (we hate each other) and ended up explaining a little bit about why I was calling and he kind of went off about how he's seventeen and he doesn't understand why I care so much so he's just going to keep doing it. Apparently my sister was still asleep.

I am just so over people telling me I'm overreacting about things when they don't react AT ALL. But..am I overreacting? I mean, I'm not going off on my brother or anything. I'm just a little pissed that he can't take two seconds to text, "not coming," or something so I didn't leave my door unlocked and then sit up worrying for an hour about how if he's in a ditch somewhere, my mom won't have any clue where he is and apparently neither do I.

I DON'T KNOW, I AM NOT THE PARENT OF A SEVENTEEN YEAR EXCEPT APPARENTLY I AM. I don't know. Is seventeen when you're supposed to stop caring and just let them do whatever? But then, he's my little brother. I'm allowed to care, right? Especially when no one else is?

I don't know. I hate having feelings.

Comments

[twincy]

I hate having feelings.
Word.

Also: not overreacting. Or, idk. When my parents are half an hour late getting home from work I start to become convinced they've died in a horrible ball of fire, so maybe "overreacting" is my default setting.

In any case, don't feel guilty for caring. But keep in mind that 17-year-olds are not rational beings.

[withimpunity]

"overreacting" is my default setting.

Hahahaha, my LIFE. Sometimes I think you're the pretty dutch version of ME.

[sharksdontsleep]

No, you're not overreacting. I work w/ kids this age. Structure, structure, structure - they hate it, but they crave it as well. Having adults hold him accountable for his actions is a good thing. The 'boys will be boys' attitude isn't. I assume if he's spending all this time w/ his younger gf, someone's had the 'How not to pay child support forever' conversation, yes?

Also, if he's transitory, you might want to contact the school and see about getting several sets of textbooks...and going to school events to introduce yourself as someone who can be contacted as a 'guardian-esque' person. I have a lot of students living with siblings, cousins, grandparents, etc. It's always good to know who to actually call in case of emergency.

There's a lot behind apparent teenaged apathy - actual apathy, fear, wanting to be told over and over that someone cares for them more than they even care for themselves, etc. Keep on doing what you're doing. He might even thank you for it.

[withimpunity]

I love you so much, lady. You don't even know.

He actually goes to the same school as my kids (small town, K-12 school) so the school definitely has my name and number. I'm the one who calls and checks him out when he has to do something or go somewhere. And I've had to tighten up that shit too, seeing as how he failed 3 classes last year. (I think we talked about that on Twitter. Standardized tests: lovely.) Yeah. He called me once at the beginning of the school year and was all, "check me out." And when I asked him why, he went off on me about how I never asked before, what did it matter, etc. But I chewed him out and all subsequent requests to be checked out have come with proper reason, lol.

I relate with the teenage apathy. I don't know if he's going through it the same way I did, but we have the same parents. They parented me the same way they parent him, which is to say not at all.

I just spoke to my mom again and Breaking News: He didn't even stay the night there last night. She opened the door for him - he didn't have his key - at 7:30 this morning. She has no idea where he was last night, but just assumes he was at my sisters. She doesn't seem bothered by this at all. This is a hot, hot mess and I hate feeling like the responsible one. I'm not supposed to be a parent of a teenager for another six years damnit.

[sharksdontsleep]

I remember the standardized test thing. I'm still O.o that that counts as passing a class.

Glad that you're in touch with the school. Umm...just FYI, due diligence, etc., depending on the laws in your state, having him out all night to parts unknown may count as neglect by your parents. Probably not, because teens between 16-18 are often not covered by the same laws, but if the school becomes aware of the situation, they may HAVE to call child services as part of mandated reporting.

If you cannot convince him to check in otherwise, perhaps not wanting to involve the authorities is a good bet for convincing him. If someone finds him out, there are curfew laws in many places, and your parents may get in trouble as a result. And if he's out w/ a younger gf, then there may be other legal troubles too.

I know a lot of this doesn't quite penetrate teenagers' skulls, but you may want to be aware. I'd contact the counselor at the school BEFORE this comes up, if only to stave off phone calls later.

[digitalwave]

No, you are not over-reacting. I can't believe your mom doesn't seem to care where he is at night. Heck, I had a curfew until I lived on my own at college. And, even then, I had to respect my parents when I was home to visit about when I'd be coming and going.

He may never admit it to you but you're showing him that at least one person in your family truly cares about his welfare. Try talking to him again and just explain that you worry about him. It might work.

*hugs*

[withimpunity]

*I* had a strict curfew too. My parents have just gotten lax over the years, especially since he's a boy. Ugh. But they've never been grade A parents, so whatever.

Thank you for your comment! It never hurts to hear that I'm justified in my thinking.

[schlicky]

Seconding what everyone else has said - you're definitely not overreacting. Keep doing what you're doing, even if it seems like it irritates him. He may not appreciate it right now, but he will down the road. Maybe just reiterate again that you just want him to take the five seconds and let you know if he's coming over or not. That you're not trying to restrict what he's doing, you just want to know he's safe.

[withimpunity]

Thank you, hon. <3

[burningchaos]

As the mother of a 17year old you are not over reacting. My son has a curfew, period. He is either home by that time or called me with a reason to let me know he will be late and if not I will want to know why.

Your other family members lack of concern bother me, he is still considered a minor and in some states if he gets in trouble parents are held accountable. Not to mention, your reactions let him know you care.

[withimpunity]

My parents lack of concern is the main thing that pisses me off, but I can't *make* them parent, so apparently I have to. And sometimes I hate it, but he's my brother. What are you gonna do.

Thanks for replying. :)

[eryslash]

Honey, I've got a little sister, so maybe I'm biased, but you are NOT overreacting.
And it's weird 'cause I'm closer to your brother's age than yours but I feel like I really understand where you're coming from. *hugs*
Follow the wise people (I see from the comments you've got many around) and remember your instincts as a sister and a mother are almost never wrong. And also, I love you ♥

[withimpunity]

it's weird 'cause I'm closer to your brother's age than yours but I feel like I really understand where you're coming from.

That's cause you're a super smart, mature little chick, Ery! :D Ilu. ♥

[puckling]

I hate having feelings.

They suck. True facts.

However, since you seem to be the de facto guardian/adult in charge of shit, I'd definitely say that you are not over reacting. And this is given that even though I am an adult my mom tells me to text her all the time and then I forget and then she has to text me first to be like DEAD? but I *ALWAYS* text back, NO, FINE. So yes. He should have told you that he was not lying dead somewhere in a ditch. That is what one does with family.

[withimpunity]

That is what one does with family.

This is what I keep trying to tell him. He just throws his hands up and says, "If Momma doesn't care, I don't see why you care!" Which, is so sad I don't even know where to start.