I just have to get this out.

 My mom is having an 8 hour surgery on Tuesday. She having a rib taken out. Its surgery to correct the scoliosis she's been dealing with her whole life. 

I am fucking terrified. My family has never had any major health problems. I've only been to one funeral in my life and I've never known anyone who has had major surgery. Also to note: I don't deal with things well.

I'm going to be there the whole eight hours and I'm going to be going out of my mind. We (me and my sister) are supposed to be there to help my dad cope because guess where I got my not-dealing crap from?  He's been living in a xanax haze for a week just thinking about it. 

The worst part about this is that my family isn't even close, so when something like this does happen, it makes it not only hard, but awkward. We don't hug, we don't say I love you, we don't talk about our feelings. I had a miscarriage once and had to drop my 1 year old off with my mother in order to go to the hospital and they basically ignored the whole thing and pretended nothing happened. (It was a very, very early miscarriage, but still.)

I care, obviously I care. I just wish everything wasn't so hard.  And I'm scared. A lot.