(no subject)

[withimpunity]

I fucking hate my life right now. I have no money, no patience, no optimism, no friends, no family, no nothing. I have no one to lean on, no one to cry to, no one to tell me that everything's going to be okay, that I just need to take a fucking deep breath and chill the fuck out for one goddamn second and things will work out because they always do.

I just. I hate feeling like this. I know this isn't me talking, its just estrogen and hormones and THE WORLD telling me I need bigger, shinier things and I fail because I can't afford bigger, shinier things. I can't even afford to pay my fucking bills right now, so just disregard the part about big, shiny things. Its irrelevant. You know what's relevant? Someone NOT fucking me over for once. That would be nice. For something to go right for a motherfucking change. To not have to struggle. To not feel like the lowest piece of scum on the fucking planet. That's what relevant to me.

To not have horrible cramps. To have a bottle of advil. For my child to sleep in her own bed, JUST FOR TONIGHT. For my husband to have a TEASPOON of compassion and be the guy he used to be, the one that would put his arms around me and whisper that it didn't matter, that everything was going to be okay, "Don't you love me? I love you. Isn't that all that matters."

It used to be all that matters. Its STILL all that matters. Sometimes I just lose track of it, like now. And even though I know in my heart that's what matters, that that's what important to me, I can't calm down. I can't take a deep breathe and stop crying without someone else holding me down and telling me to. I'm so goddamn dependent and it makes me so sick sometimes I feel like throwing up. But what can you do.

I just wonder. Is it ever going to change? Am I ever going to change? Is my life always going to be less than mediocre and am I always going to be okay with that? Does it matter? Not really. But right now it does.

I didn't make this entry private because well, this journal is the only therapy I get and let's face it, I could use all of that I can get.

Comments

[griva-x.livejournal.com]

Ugh. I knoe how you feel. Except that my two daughters sleep in their own beds and my husband does say it will blow over (when he is at home, that is seldom for Im unemploed for the FIRST TIME in my life and yeah...not very optimistic right now).

It's fine that you vent and rant. We all have such moments like these and ... when you know you are not alone like that...it kinda...helps. A bit.