withimpunity: Roux ([Hyperbole] Real life < Internet)
[personal profile] withimpunity
 I have this super habit of saying really shitty things to people and then turning around and apologizing for them almost instantly. Apologizing is good, I guess. But sometimes I think the person deserved whatever shitty thing I said to them, only it doesn't matter because my guilt complex is of Godzilla proportions so I apologize anyway because all I can think about after I say it is how much of a bitch that person probably thinks I am. And it bugs me when people think I'm a bitch. It also bugs me that I worry so much about what other people think of me.

I just worry. About everything. 

Social situations, what to do in them. What people are going to think of me if I don't do the RIGHT thing or say the right thing or WEAR the right thing. Awkwardness and panicking ensues. 

My mom came home on Tuesday from the hospital. She still needs help getting around and going to the bathroom, etc. She's not sleeping much, so neither is my dad.  I'm not close with either one of them. At all. Its awkward in every direction. I keep freaking out - am I doing enough? Do I have to be here for six hours or can I go? Should I do that for her or let her do it herself? 

So anyway, I'd been hanging around my mom's house for about four hours today and my sister had visited all of thirty minutes before she announced she had to go home and cook dinner. At 3:30. I said something nasty, projecting my own feelings of inadequacy and frustration onto her. Frustrations that I can' t be as nonchalant about everything as her. I over-think shit way too much, but that's not her fault. She said, "You don't have to be here," and I guess that was true, but I felt like I DID have to be there or everyone would think I was a horrible daughter. My mom was actually napping when my sister left. But I had to say something that sounded a whole lot like I was trying to make my sister feel like a terrible daughter, when I really wasn't trying to do that, I was just bored and wanted some goddamn company and someone to buffer the fucking awkwardness between my family and she couldn't even do that. My issues with my sister don't count though.

I just. Augh. Can I go one day without feeling like a terrible, horrible, no good failure of a human being?  
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