my otp, gents.

[withimpunity]

Brad: Anybody remember Recon Marines are swift, silent, deadly?
Ray: What about swift, silent and stoned if we could get some hash and…
Brad: What-why do you always say that stupid shit?
Ray: What?
Brad: You don’t even do drugs.
Ray: Well how do you know?
Brad: You were on the debate team in high school.
Ray: So…
Brad: Nobody on a debate team ever does drugs or gets laid.
Ray: I just don’t see the facts on which you’re basing your argument on.
Brad: We all know you didn’t lose your virginity until after Afghanistan.
Ray: Oh jesus christ.
Brad: The whore in Australia.
Ray: (sputtering)
Brad: Yeah but did you now?
Ray: Brad, she was a European African woman.
Brad: A European African woman? No, she wasn’t. She was one of those big angry drunk women in the street in Perth selling boomerangs and playing didgeridoo.
Ray: Brad, BRAD, those just aren’t the pertinent facts, alright? We’re having a fucking professional debate here. Besides, she just grabbed me when I came out of the bar. It’s not like I asked her.
Brad: Look, even if you’re claiming you were raped, the fact stands, you were a virgin until we got back from Afghanistan.
Ray: What about you, Brad? Some little, pointy-headed Stewie baby raking the shag carpeting in your fucking family’s living room.
Brad: Stop it, Ray.
Ray: FATHAH! MOTHAH! WHERE IS MY CARPET RAKE! I’m a young Bradley Colbert, a lonely freak with no friends whose sole pleasure is raking the carpet in my motha and fatha’s house!
Brad: Ray, RAY, that is not even relevant —
Ray: Brad, Braaad, listen. You used to rake the fucking shag carpet in your parent’s house when you were a kid. You used to rake it so that all of the fibers would go in the same direction. That is TOTALLY type-A OCD behavior, by the way, it’s just fuckin’— it’s kinda pathetic.
Brad: I DID IT ONCE, RAY. ONCE. AND THE POINT IS…
Ray: The point is, Brad, you look so fucking cute when you are angry.