withimpunity: Roux ([Hyperbole] Real life < Internet)
[personal profile] withimpunity
 I have this super habit of saying really shitty things to people and then turning around and apologizing for them almost instantly. Apologizing is good, I guess. But sometimes I think the person deserved whatever shitty thing I said to them, only it doesn't matter because my guilt complex is of Godzilla proportions so I apologize anyway because all I can think about after I say it is how much of a bitch that person probably thinks I am. And it bugs me when people think I'm a bitch. It also bugs me that I worry so much about what other people think of me.

I just worry. About everything. 

Social situations, what to do in them. What people are going to think of me if I don't do the RIGHT thing or say the right thing or WEAR the right thing. Awkwardness and panicking ensues. 

My mom came home on Tuesday from the hospital. She still needs help getting around and going to the bathroom, etc. She's not sleeping much, so neither is my dad.  I'm not close with either one of them. At all. Its awkward in every direction. I keep freaking out - am I doing enough? Do I have to be here for six hours or can I go? Should I do that for her or let her do it herself? 

So anyway, I'd been hanging around my mom's house for about four hours today and my sister had visited all of thirty minutes before she announced she had to go home and cook dinner. At 3:30. I said something nasty, projecting my own feelings of inadequacy and frustration onto her. Frustrations that I can' t be as nonchalant about everything as her. I over-think shit way too much, but that's not her fault. She said, "You don't have to be here," and I guess that was true, but I felt like I DID have to be there or everyone would think I was a horrible daughter. My mom was actually napping when my sister left. But I had to say something that sounded a whole lot like I was trying to make my sister feel like a terrible daughter, when I really wasn't trying to do that, I was just bored and wanted some goddamn company and someone to buffer the fucking awkwardness between my family and she couldn't even do that. My issues with my sister don't count though.

I just. Augh. Can I go one day without feeling like a terrible, horrible, no good failure of a human being?  

Date: 2010-10-02 10:48 pm (UTC)
jameserin: (Default)
From: [personal profile] jameserin
I have this super habit of saying really shitty things to people and then turning around and apologizing for them almost instantly. Apologizing is good, I guess. But sometimes I think the person deserved whatever shitty thing I said to them, only it doesn't matter because my guilt complex is of Godzilla proportions so I apologize anyway

ME TOO. :/ i know i'm a bitch and i know what i've doing when i say it, but does that stop me? nope. you'd think so, but no. i guess i do it so that no one can get close to me or leave me. even though i usually leave before anyone gets the chance to leave me. i do that so i can say see, that didn't hurt, i left first. HA TO YOU.

/self-sabotage.

Date: 2010-10-02 11:28 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] schlicky
You're not a terrible, horrible, no good failure of a human being. If you were, you wouldn't be spending time with your mom at all. You are absolutely wonderful - don't ever doubt that. <3

Date: 2010-10-02 11:39 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] schlicky
P.S. Maybe this will cheer you up?

Brad has spent the better part of the last two hours trying to pretend that the way Ray is parading around the bar - dancing with girls, doing shots out of their cleavage, buying them drinks - isn't bothering him. He thought he was succeeding.

"Glaring at them like that isn't going to make them burst into flames, you know."

Brad slants a glance at Walt and takes a sip from his beer. "What are you talking about, Walt?"

Walt's lips curl up into a little smile, and he glances toward the end of the bar where Ray is holding court with a group of giggling young ladies in heels and low-cut tops. "He's only doing it because he knows it pisses you off."

"I know," Brad says eventually and takes another long pull from his bottle of beer, eyes never leaving the end of the bar. "It's working."


... to be continued! <3

Date: 2010-10-03 12:45 am (UTC)
From: [personal profile] schlicky
MOAR BECAUSE ILU!

Even from the opposite end of the bar, Brad can see the pink tinge climbing up Walt's neck and into his cheeks. He wonders if it's the giggling girls, or the way Ray's hip is suddenly pressed against his, like they're fused together.

Walt's pink flush deepens to red at something Ray says to one of the girls, the comment punctuated with a toothy grin and a wink. Walt mutters something to Ray, though it's clear the other man either doesn't hear him (not likely), or is pointedly ignoring him (definitely likely).

If he's honest with himself, Brad is going to feel a little bad about dumping Walt's body in the woods. He always liked Walt.

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